Dad's Three Months, Plus a Day

Well, the end of Martin Luther King Day comes and tomorrow marks the return of Hope to the United States. I wish Barak Obama, his family, and staff all the best. What a mess they are taking over.



Jean and Chip's visit was so wonderful. Not only was it great to spend so much time with them, but we even learned to play Liverpool, where I believe I set the record for the World's Worst Score. We'll see how long I can hold that record. Probably for a long time, unfortunately. It was so great to have them out here for my birthday. Not that birthdays were spent with them before, but to have family around this Year of Firsts meant more than anything to me. " Cleaning" up for them made us "presentable," at best, but the time spent together was so precious. They are planning to come back out in March to celebrate a belated birthday for Fred which we are looking forward.



"Cleaning" piles of papers (I'm a paper pile-er!) revealed things from Mother and Dad, mostly greeting cards. I came across the last birthday card from them which made me horribly sad. I am learning to live knowing that they are no longer physically in my life, however, to find reminders that they exist (if only in my heart and mind) is so incredibly painful. Maybe the day will come when the pain will become just a part of me. However, now things are so, so fresh and the pain lays just barely below the surface and it doesn't take much to bring it to the surface.



Fred (Pictured above, from our vacation in Aspen last summer.) remains my rock. He is on his mini-sabbatical now and he's working on getting his tenure dossier prepared. He goes up for tenure next year. Fingers are crossed as everyone says that he has nothing about which to worry, but one never knows and until I know it's for real, I'm holding my breath and praying. Some sense of stability (Although, I'm sure it MUST exist. I just don't recognize it yet.) will be nice. Once tenure is official we're thinking of moving to a house a bit larger with a larger yard, etc., etc., etc. Naturally, we are already looking and it's so-o tempting. So, who knows, given the current economy, interest rates, etc.

I took this past Friday off to just have three days to cry/bawl my eyes out. It came somewhat, but I guess that I was fooling myself into thinking I could just turn on the tears. Yes, they came and yes, it was occasionally loud, but there's more stored up and will surface and the need arises, I guess. Yesterday was truly a day of sadness as it was Dad's three month anniversary/memorial. (Has it been that long?) The pain and the mental images of the recent past are still so very fresh. One day they will fade a bit (I don't want to totally forget them!) and make room for the happier memories and images with both Mother and Dad. I cry to think that they exist only in my heart and mind now. I want to call them, see them, talk with them. When does the pain ease? Not a second goes by without my thinking about them.

Eventually............